simply breathing

New Blog.

2010-02-20T13:28:00.000-07:00

So due to my new email, breannetole@gmail.com - i can no longer access this account, but am posting this from my phone. I am making a new blog. http://www.breannemarietole.blogspot.com/ . you will find my and my soul there.

b.

s a f e t y ?

2010-02-06T01:03:00.000-07:00

My heart struggles to find the balance between being kind hearted and selfless and being trampled on like leaves in fall. I have yet to find the balance, perhaps because I am afraid if I step too far in the other direction I may forget and lose the compassion and caring aspect of my life, my soul, and my being.

I realised tonight that I am on a journey of discovery and struggling. My journey is changing, my desires are fresh and challenging, but reachable if I give this everything I have. Part of the reason I am having a hard time with this path is because there are time when I feel incredibly alone. Perhaps its my souls way of sharing its desires to rely on a God bigger than my earthly worries and fears, but in the moment, in the passion, and the trust I have in Him, I am afraid, and sometimes I am alone.

I long for meaningful relationships and find myself dissatisfied with current relationships where I find myself being walked on, forgotten, and judged. I am going to make mistakes, take wrong turns, and although I often find myself back at the crossroads, I keep travelling.

Perhaps the key is that I do not feel safe where I am. In my home, in my program, with my friends, at my job, and I dont know what has changed to make me feel so on the outs, but when I dont feel safe, I turtle, I try to protect myself by internalizing my feelings, by smiling, hiding, and backing away from aspects of my life that dont foster the safety that I need.

I am not talking about being comfortable. But feeling valued. SAFE with my emotions, with my thoughts, with my opinions, with who I am in Christ, and as a woman with unconditional love. Maybe I am missing something. Is the lifestyle I am being called to not supposed to be safe? I have no idea. I need to figure this out.

Honestly though, I want to come home and feel safe to be who I am, to talk about how I feel, to make mistakes, to be present in the neighbourhood.

I am making changes to my lifestyle. I feel the change creeping in my soul, changing my heart, and providing me strength. It couldnt get here soon enough.

Heres to standing at a Crossroad, preparing for a journey.

girl.

2009-12-28T15:48:00.000-07:00

i am not fake. i will not pretend to be something i am not. i am a fallen follower. a seeker, a girl. i am just a girl. i am just a girl seeking. i am just a girl who seeks truth, and lives simply, in mercy, grace, and sacrifice. in the end, i am just a girl.
there are days when i flicker. i can feel it in my soul, that i am burning out, and i wonder if i will reach the end, or if i will continue to burn, melt, and provide light. flickering is a hard feeling to bare with, because you feel it in your bones that you are reaching the end, that you could go out any second, but you grasp on to every last second you have, waivering, with faith so small, but strong enough to keep you lit.
i made it through another Christmas, flickering. Wanting nothing but time with people I love, asking only for phones to be turned off, food to be eaten, and laughter to give way to the dark moments of the season.
I am just a girl, just a girl flickering, and staying strong. A girl with big dreams, little steps, and small faith.

i am just a girl.

breathing in bowness.

2009-12-21T19:22:00.000-07:00

I am breathing in Bowness. Seeking simplicity, following, leading, and becoming. I refuse to give up, no matter the challenge, even though somedays its all I can do to open the blinds and let the light in.
I am rejoicing in a hope that comes from moving into the neighbourhood. I am stretching my limits, I am giving even when I feel like I have only enough for myself.
Mount Royal's crazy semesters make it hard to live out community, but I am learning to savour the moments I have, and to create time to live intentionally, simply, and faithfully.
I am learning everyday, failing sometimes, but always finding enough strength to get back up.
I need to risk if im going to do this right.
I am still moving into the neighbourhood.

b a r e.

2009-11-19T20:07:00.003-07:00

She walks quietly allowing the only sound to be her breathing, in and o u t. To long for a life of simplicity is to simply not desire to obtain excess. To live off the grain. She desires to serve, to pour out her soul to make the Kingdom a reality, but yearns to learn how to be a servant and how to say no.
This isnt an easy road. I'm trying. To pull up my socks, grin and bear it, to serve, to love, to ask nothing in return. Which for the most part happens, but the days I forget to wear socks, its hard to pull them up. I find it hard to have days where I dont want anything to do with the world I inhabit. Afterall, I have "so many things going for me, I follow a great God, and I am young" but its hard. I fail, I fall, and there are times when I DONT want to get back up again. I refuse to actually, until He lifts me gently off the ground , dusts me off, and asks me to keep going.
How can I be a servant, and have bad days?
Perhaps the whole point of serving isnt about not having bad days, or not saying no, but giving entirely from the grain that I live off of. Relying on the strength of something greater, and realising when today I have nothing left to give but smiles and a good ear. Perhaps its about giving what I have, even when all I have are tears and frusterations.

Giving what I have.. Giving what I have... Giving what He gives me.

b.

breathing.

2009-10-05T23:06:00.002-06:00

Perhaps its the fear in a young womans heart that keeps her from writing the words that seem all too real and true to her very being and soul.

The hurt words, angry words, alone words, sad words, hurt your soul kinda words, but sometimes those are the only words that seem to make it out of your lips and onto the page.

These are my words.

When placed in a corner, I want to run. Free my soul from the hardships of a broken family, broken heart, and broken emotions. But its not as easy as it may seem, peering in from the other side of the glass.

To love without judgement is by far one of the most difficult things I can try to do, but to love someone enough to leave them, even just for a while may be too much for one girl alone.

I do not plead weakness, I know where to draw my strength, but this really isnt easy, and I just dont know where to turn.

So today I am breathing, using words, learning, growing, and trying being okay with maybe not being okay.

These are my words, sad words, tired words, searching words and real words.

b-rave.

2009-09-12T21:01:00.002-06:00

With every door that slams in the face of something beautiful, hurt happens and hope helps. Being brave doesnt mean refusing weakness. It means taking one step at a time, quietly praying, and moving forward even if you need to take two steps back.

I am changing, growing, and learning to be brave. Please bear with me.

i'd rather.

2009-08-10T11:54:00.002-06:00

Perhaps the realisations of a young girls heart are meaningless, or perhaps they are a true form of new growth, change and being.
In a single breath dandylions scatter, travel, fall and form new creation surrounding the area they originally inhabited.
This new creation is brilliant. With a single breath the earth encounters change, renewal, and beauty that most try to rid their lives of by spending hours carefully weeding. Maybe these things are not weeds but rather gentle reminders of the calling placed on the lives of those bringing the kingdom to earth. May we never cease to go where the wind takes us. May we always create, appreciate, encounter, and find new growth and creation in all that we do. May we never be too strong to fall, move, or change. May I enable new growth, love and faith in areas I am already in. May the coming days bring more realisations to this young girl whose heart is preparing for a new journey of love, forgiveness, grace and peace.

b.

turn your eyes.

2009-06-27T17:04:00.002-06:00

There's this girl that I know that often tries to turn her face towards the sun as she mimics the sunflowers gaining strength and hope from something above. This task proves difficult for her because frequently when she looks up towards the sky, clouds seem to get in the way making it hard to find the same hope and strength she once found when the sun had first appeared.

Just as the sun flower wilts and shrinks when the sun seems to "disappear" this girl finds herself low to the ground hiding her face from the world. She cowers, loses hope, feels useless and small.

insignificance. unimportance. lack of confidence.

Its not until this girl learns to turn her face towards the sky even when the sun seems to not be present will she learn and grow into the beautiful creation she is. So she lifts her face, frightened and discouraged, staring blankly into the grey obis and something truly wonderful happens.

Rain hits her face, rolls down her cheeks, hits her right in the heart, and washes away all of her doubt as she serves, grows, and learns more about her Savior, just as the sun flower longs for water, she is no longer thirsty.

let the rain fall down, let the rain cover the earth, and remind her of the coming days.

Thank God for rain. ( or so this girl told her.)

dandylions & frusterations.

2009-06-18T15:14:00.004-06:00

I feel a little out of focus being here at camp. I feel my values and beliefs being stretched . I am expected to be okay with the decisions made by others. Perhaps Awaken has changed my life in such a way I just don't fit, or perhaps I am meant to be here so I can be a part of their change.

It takes a simple choice, every day to follow my creator, to live in simplicity, to pay attention to details, and to worship with my soul, spending every minute living for a God who knows me inside out.

I feel alittle out of focus being here at camp. Or maybe we are all out of focus, proclaiming the right things, living in the wrong things.

I need to remember why I am here.

be somebody.

2009-06-01T11:02:00.002-06:00

Her voice fills the empty walls with a beautiful noise. She no longer holds herself back, but just creates a sound that fills the depths of her soul and every inch of the space around her. She lets go of all the things she was once eager to hold onto and has now realised they were not hers to carry.
As tears stream down her cheeks she comes to the conclusion that it is not out of sadness but rather she is being refreshed, renewed, prepared for the journey ahead of her.
A journey that involves sacrifice, planning, and going with the flow. Laughter, tears, and careful steps one after another, although she does not know where she is going quite yet, she will know when she gets there.
This is her time to be real, to grow, change, follow and lead. As she prepares her mind, body, soul, and heart for a new season, she's afraid she will get lost. With two options ahead of her she begins to realise she can either lose herself completely in the hustle of the summer nights or she can create herself while on the adventure of a twenty year old child of a King.

Peace be this journey.

b.

[ thelifeofacubicle ]

2009-04-30T12:38:00.003-06:00

Its cold in here, sometimes hot, beyond comfortability. Sloppy grey walls hinder communication and community. A single photo of a girl and her sister that shows more love than anyone will ever comprehend.
Sticky notes, heaps and heaps of sticky notes, heaps and heaps to remember.
A dull grey phone with lots of buttons remains untouched as no one calls to talk to a "clerical support girl" who has been over worked and under slept.
X's mark the calender of an adventure much bigger than the data she enters day after day hour after quiet hour. Music doesnt seem to be as satisfying as it once were when it was used spuratically instead of incessently due to the quiet lonliness that fills her box and her effort to remain awake.
scattered papers organised over and over, folded, unfolded, marked and tried to be made clean again. Bandaids, sweaters, a glass cup and a dying flower and a candle lay in the "corner of peace" or the lunch room of a girl 20 years younger than the other 12 that linger around.
Conversation sometimes happens, an invite to something, a task given, a quick hello, but despite effort only one seems to want to know this girl, and it is much appreciated. She is work mother of a girl longing for relationship with these strangers.
2 fans blaring, wheat bags being constantly heated up for warmth, fans off, plus 20, angry people in cubicles break into arguements as to which is better.

She remains uncaptivated. No lives were changed today despite smiles and hellos as people walk with their heads down, ignoring the simple gesture of friendship, or perhaps even just common ground that we both need to be here, lets help eachother out.

The life of a cubicle is not one of choice, but one of thankfulness that this girl can continue to work to support herself, slowly relying on her father less and less for money because the time will come when she will leave behind her grey box, and chase after the calling on her heart and she needs that independance.

Dull lonely walls have taught her to be intentional with interaction, relationships, and time spent with others, as well as given her a deep gratitude for an opportunity to grow in herself as she perseveres through this chapter of her life as the clerical support girl who really should get more sleep.

[ 6 more shifts, and she is going to make it. ]

in the silence call me home.

2009-04-14T14:49:00.003-06:00

raw

2009-04-05T23:44:00.002-06:00

I believe that that raw feeling inside my soul contains emotions im afraid will be rejected by others if I let them escape. Feelings of uncertainty, doubt, fear, and pure and honest love that just don't seem to stand up to easy emotions that don't require vulnerability.
The God that I follow has broughten me this far, through "hell and high water", back and forth, through the light and into the darkness to create my own and I cannot say I am not thankful for all of the opportunities I have been given to grow and be shaped into who I am at this current moment.
My hands long to become dirty for that is where I find God in the most real ways. When I am on my knees praying for the oppressed, or serving and enjoying meals at the mustard seed. Perhaps it is even growing in my patience as I hold a wailing child who struggles to get away the same way that my creator holds onto me when I am frustrated and unable to see the bigger picture of the love He deeply has for me. Being a part of a church commited to God's mission is challenging, because it requires this thing called sacrifice that at times I am not certain I want to be a part of.
Sacrifice means giving up parts of myself in order to be a part of this calling to live simply, while extending love and grace in the toughest of circumstances. I have been living comfortably with my father while I am in school, which requires almost no sacrifice. I live care free when it comes to money, bills and food, but lately have been growing restless as I envision the rest of my journey following and leading in a community of people commited to being "uncomfortable". I need to learn what it means to depend on God to provide for me, and for others, and living at home hasn't really allowed or called for me to rely on Him in that way.
So I am going for it. I am looking into moving into Bowness to be a bigger part of this community that could use someone like me. Perhaps its babysitting for nothing except the joy I get allowing people to go out on their own, knowing that their children are safe and loved with me. Or maybe it is being a good neighbour, or knitting scarves, or making meals and loving on others. I know deep in my innermost being that God will use me, and is using me in Bowness and so I am scared and excited all at the same time to venture out on this journey trusting that this is part of God's plan for me.

I was telling a dear friend today that I have stopped searching for that person to fill this "earthly" gap in my life and that it is a good feeling. I'm not sure I could say that up until this point in my life I have been content with being "by myself" or would ever envision myself to have come to a place where God has been able to fill that missing piece. The idea of holding hands with the person meant to fill them is something I have not cast aside, but each day I am learning to fill my hands with my creator spiritually and physically. Picking someone up, helping an infant walk, skipping around the yard carelessly like a child. I am thankful that I am at a place in my life where I have stopped searching for that person, and have come to a place where I can love who I am becoming, and know that if it is in His plan I will find someone who see's the beauty that my creator has created in me without fail.

I am always learning, failing, and getting back up again, sometimes I just want to sit amoungst the brokenness and sometimes it takes all the strength in my being to pull myself out of it, but all along this bumpy winding road I see my Maker, clear and strong calling me deeper and challenging me in ways that require sacrifice and hardship in order to follow him.

Thank the Lord for good friends, hard moments, mourning, rejoicing, the power in stories, fellowship, community, and eating together. Thank God for feelings of the heart, vulnerability, and laughter.

Thank God for another day not wasted.

love b.

peace.

2009-04-04T20:52:00.002-06:00

There's this feeling that washes over my weary aching bones that brings me comfort. Sheree Plett's Christmas Album mixed with the classic warmth of fair trade peppermint tea is what has brought me to reflection today.

Peace, Joy, Hope, Love, and Sacrifice shouldn't be something we only sing and reflect about at Christmas. Should it?

Sleep in Heavenly Peace oh Silent Night.

Dirty Hands, Determined Heart.

2009-03-31T10:00:00.002-06:00

I’ll take care of you.

Each and every step taken feels like the first, wobbly, unsteady and not right. I’m sure I’ve been here before. I’ve walked this path a million times over, searching and seeking. So why does this time feel so unfamiliar? One step, shakily planted and cautiously taken brings me to this place of vulnerability where I hear this voice calling me to seek a lifestyle outside of my comfort zone. As I place my next step one foot in front of the other I am certain I am getting the hang of this. One two three four, I’ve stopped looking down, I just want to run. Unstable feet are planted, and I begin to run away from struggles, further and further away from my starting point, but as I take my next bound towards point B, I fall.

Unsteady foot steps should never run, and with holes in my jeans, and fear in my heart I remain sitting, dirty hands towards the sky uncertain that I would be able to pull myself to a standing position, or even if I want to. It seems safer just to stay right where I am on the ground, both feet neatly folded, unmoving. I’ve fallen many times before, and perhaps all that I have learnt is that life is safer when it involves no uncertain steps, but when I remain still and planted. Discouraged, dirty and frustrated I have no plans to pick myself up, I’ve lost all strength to try again, all my hopes and goals seems impossible and I should have known in the first place I would never be able to do it. I was doomed from the beginning as a girl with big dreams a faithful heart, but unsteady feet.

Without knowledge I begin to wipe the dirt off my hands, one hand at a time is placed at my sides as my elbows lock and I push myself up slowly to a standing position, doubt written all over my face and my heart. But for some reason, my soul reminds me that it’s not about the fall it’s about the courage to keep picking myself up again, and again, and again.
Each and every step taken feels like the first, wobbly, unsteady, and not right. One step, two step, and the faith that I can do this. Shaky and uncertain one step at a time towards the big hopes and dreams of a girl who chooses to love and believe with her entire being.

It’s all about the journey, destination unknown.

b.

Find me.

2009-03-24T10:03:00.000-06:00

There’s this dream I keep having where my sister is drowning, and she is calling out to me, crying and sputtering begging me to save her, and as I charge through the water the waves keep coming, crashing hard against my weak and fragile soul. I struggle and get pulled under the water, but I am fighting so hard, because I want to save her. I need to save her.
On the other side of this ocean, I see people that she knows, previous counselors, friends, and family that have all in some way given up on her. Whether they believe it or not, they are there watching me desperately fight to reach her and pull her to safety with no effort on their own to rescue her from the waters of temptation.
It startles me to see them, just watching when they see her on the brink of death and yet they are the one’s that have contributed to where she is currently. I refuse to give up, but the more and more I swim towards her the more energy I begin to lose and my fight is almost up. I can feel the current dragging me down, and I’m frustrated because I am typically a good swimmer and she need’s me, I need to save her but there’s something in the way that I don’t quite understand.
The reality of this dream hurts me when I wake up, because as I realize I cannot save her. I am in disbelief because some days it feels like no one else wants to save her anymore.
I am thrown back towards the shore barely breathing, hurting physically and emotionally from the harsh waves that have brought me back to where I am now. It appears as though no one is out there with her, no one else is going to save her and she is losing hope and slowly going under, struggling to keep her head above water.
Out of no where I see this arm reach for her and this time it connects and I’m sure not even my sister knows what is happening or what is holding her up at this point. The hand holds on to her wrist refusing to let go, allowing her to catch her breath. This is when I realize I am not the one who is going to save her this time. Peace overcomes me but I am still skeptical because she is not reaching out, she is scared and struggling to get away still calling my name, she hasn’t seen the bigger picture. No matter how hard she struggles she is still being held up, frightened but not so alone, and that’s where I wake up.
During my journey with my sister, I have often forgotten to draw strength from something bigger than myself. At times I have felt so weak I have wanted to give up, but I have finally gotten this message. I am not the one who can save her. In the midst of the unconditional love I give her, God is the hand holding her above water. He knows her every breath, and even when she’s scared and tries to pull away turning to other things to save her, he refuses to let go. This is my God that holds her, believes in her, and will save her. Even though I have forgotten my role in this equation, He has brought me back again and again to this place of peace and realization that He’s got this. I cannot wait for the day when she turns to Him, and realizes that He is there.
I will continue to struggle, grow and cry out with my sister in the midst of her journey; thank goodness I have such an amazing strength to draw from.
Be with her Father. Be with her.

b.

shh. do you hear that?

2009-03-02T15:45:00.001-07:00

The season of lent is a time that calls followers to enter a simpler lifestyle in order to turn their attention to the events of easter through faster and prayer introducing litergy and a litergical feeling to their days. In these simple times some give up chocolate, or things that consume mass amounts of their time in order to turn their eyes upon something greater.
This year I realised I grew quite tired of participating in lent, giving up things that didnt really mean alot to me, that were easy-ish to do without for these 40 days. So my original thought was to abstaine from all food, except rice, in a fast that allowed me to be hungry. On my first day of this plan, something happened, and I was called back to "the table" which is a place of community and fellowship. God told me I was doing it all wrong, and that he called me to feed and take care of the poor, but if I was not taking care of my body, the temple in which I serve with, then how could I possibly fulfill that mission. So instead of fasting like that, I have given up eating alone.
It may sounds juvenile or a clever way to get free meals and eat with others, but I felt strongly in my soul this need to not remove myself from the table and the community I am a part of. Prior to lent, almost all of my meals were eaten alone, at a table for one, because the lifestyle of my family is not one that allows room to eat together daily. I work alone in a cubicle, and spend lunches at Rocky alone, leaving supper, where extra curricular activities get the best of all of us.
So far, not eating alone has proven to be kind of difficult some days, and easy others, but has allowed me to go deeper in relationships that already exist, and to create new relationships with people I never took the time to know.
On Thursday of last week, my father was in a seminar and missed work, leaving me alone for lunch. I was nervous, because although those of you that know me think I am extremely extraverted, I can also be quite shy. So, with friends busy, a father who wasnt present, and knowing one person in an office of 10, I prepared myself for no lunch, and began to pray that God would give me someone to eat lunch with in the office.
Not five minutes later, a woman named Linda who is rather new herself approached me and invited me to have lunch with her. I have yet to speak to Linda, mostly because she isnt very talkative, and the cubicle walls are just too excluding sometimes. Needless to say, we talked our whole lunch break, and I was able to tell her parts of my story, and listen to parts of her story as well. She was very sweet, and the company was wonderful to have, and it was nice, because now when I work, I can eat lunch with Linda. I hope we can grow together during my duration at Zurich, and I knew that she was an answer to a pray and allowed me to embark on this new exciting journey calling me to community.
So heres to more conversations, community, breaking out of my comfort zone and to slowing down this Lent season.
Peace be with you.
b.

goodnight moon.

2009-02-16T08:25:00.003-07:00

I can feel it in my soul, a change in spirit, a change in the way i breathe and I am trying to capture every moment of it. I feel this overwhelming sadness that lingers in the air when I think about change, or where I am headed on my journey, perhaps because it hasn't been the easiest journey and getting from point A to point B is always more eventful that one would hope for.
Being okay with struggling, and needing to cry out to God is where I am at, this is where I am growing, and where I am becoming.

I have made the decision to stop making lists of things to do before I die, and to start making a list of things to do everyday, more of a lifestyle change instead of something amazing that I do just once, and it excites me because in my efforts to do so, I will be serving others in the process, and eliminating regrets on my journey. So far, this is what I have come up with:

1. be a mother - to the motherless, to the one's with amazing mothers, just simply by holding a baby, playing with a child, praying for families, babysitting, and supporting.

2. be a friend - to strangers, to my best friends, to my old friends, going for coffee, writing letters, checking in with them, being a solid support system, encouragement, and someone they can go to whenever they need.

3. love - outloud, in prayer, in my actions, in how i spend my time, in how i serve in the community, with everyone i encounter, I want them to feel loved, and through the love I can give them, to see the amazing love of my savior. love is not judgemental, and it is not meant to be kept for ourselves, but rather spread to the loveless.

4. spend time with family - biological and my church family. through prayer, coffee, making dinner, bringing dinner, games nights, phone calls, birthday cakes, priorities, thinking of them first, quality time, emails, and letting them know i am always here.

5. be a servant - in all ways, always, hold a door, change the world, give a granola bar, go early and set up for church, help a brother out, help a sister out, serve dinner, make dinner, offer a smile, be a voice, feed the hungry, start a conversation, donate money, invite someone in, make cookies, babysit for the sake of spending time with God's children.

As I now run head and heart first into this week, Im sure I will add more to this list. But this is a solid starting point, and I feel the change deep in my soul.

I think im starting to get it.

b.

motion is easy.

2009-01-27T14:01:00.002-07:00

A rollercoaster of emotions have consumed every inch of my soul, and I just can't seem to get a grip. In the midst of this journey, Ive noticed my appetite growing, longing for something, something other than what I have been filling myself with.
My plate is getting fuller and fuller, to the point where I have considered getting a second plate. In the midst of an already difficult journey, I find myself striving to accomplish more, and inner logic told my silly head that the more good I do, no matter what I have to sacrifice, the less time I will have to focus on the not so solid parts of my life.
Motion is easy. Faster and faster I move, my mind is going, my heart and soul try to follow, and somewhere in the midst if I lose them, I know I will find them again when I have time. Father why can't I hear you ? Have you left me? I don't feel you as close anymore, I wonder where you have gone? Where were you when I called to you? I listened, I know I did, and you, well YOU weren't there.
Rushing. Gotta get to church, gotta read my book, three papers tomorrow, work today, oh shoot, sunday school! Okay well, that's fine I will just read my book as I run for my bus, I'll be five minutes late for Awaken, I will get there in time for the first song, run to Sunday School, go out with my friends after, and do two of my papers uhm.. do three of my papers tonight? Oh class at 8? Uhm. I can do it, sure I'll help you with that, why not. Yep, I can re-do this, I'll just sleep after school. Oh, another meeting? Okay, I'll sleep in Abnormal Psychology for 10 minutes, and 10 minutes on the bus home. I'll re-do that assignment while eating my dinner, oh grocery shopping, I'll grocery shop tomorrow, and eat lean cuisine tonight. Shoot. Missed my bus, guess Im walking, thought it was warmer, oh! gotta call my sister, my mom, my dad, my friend, my boss, my school, pay this, find that, mail a letter, unload the dish washer, find something clean, lead a small group, hold a baby, eat a meal, do a paper, gotta get to church, gotta read a book..

ENOUGH.

Walk slower, breathe deeper, see clearer, say no, focus, worship, write, say no, meditate, sleep, look up, admire, say no.

I hate that word.

God, Im listening. I know im busy, and my ipod is on, and the tv is on, but my bible is open, and I uhm prayed today. Remember, I called out to you, today when I found out about my friend? I tried to, I know I stopped half way through my prayer, but you know what I mean right? God? I'm really mad at you, I can't hear you. Speak up. Louder, louder, clearer, more.

Hurry. NO, I can't, I will no longer run through life. Slow down Breanne, Slow down Breanne, Slow down Breanne.

In the midst of this journey, I was so determined that God stopped listening. Being a super hero is not for me. Im just a girl, a woman. I am a woman of God, and I will not let you walk all over me. I am standing strong, I am deeply rooted, I am yours to keep. You didn't stop listening, I stopped looking, I stopped opening my eyes, my heart, I turned up the noise, and you stayed the same, and I couldn't feel you next to me, because I was determined to make it, I was determined to consume my life with so much goodness, that I forgot about YOU.

I hear you calling me, back to this life of pure simplicity, but I need to learn how to follow, so I can learn how to lead. I need to be confident in who you created me to be, so I wont be so afraid of that two letter word.
I feel you next to me. I need to start to say no to things, because I need to take care of myself. The fine line has pushed its way to my breaking point, and I need to do the things I need to do to take care of myself, before I add more to my plate.

It's not about filling my life to maximum capacity, but rather about doing what I can do healthily, as a servant, as a lover, as a friend, daughter, sister, child of God.

If I am not strong, if I am not filled, listening, connected, careful, if I am not growing, learning, falling, failing, and getting right back up again, then I am not okay.

So , here's to saying no when I need to, and being okay with that. Here's to searching deeper into my soul.

Growing, changing, and definitely not running,

b.

Dear Friend.

2009-01-19T19:32:00.002-07:00

Dear Friend, I am walking with you.

Dear Friend, I am mourning with you.

Dear Friend, I am here for you.

Dear Friend, I am broken with you.

Dear Friend, my dear friend.

tailor made.

2008-12-14T00:17:00.001-07:00

I'm just not ready to give up on the hope I have in something great with you.

here i go.

2008-12-07T22:37:00.003-07:00

December brings days of sleepless nights, intimate coffee's and tiresome studying. Yet in the midst of the rush, i've found more time than usual to breathe.

I don't know what has come over me, or how I got where I am, or somedays even why I feel the way I do, but I know I have come to a new place, that requires me to put more faith than ever before in a God who knew me before I even knew his name.

I can't explain the way I feel Him with me, everytime I breathe, or how I hear His whispers calling me towards something so great, but I do know it's not just me. I hear Him, calling and calling, with determination to set me on this distant path.

But its my fault this path seems so distant. I have created these obstacles in my mind, heart, and way, that have veered me off track, and then questioned why I am so far away. Slowly I am breaking down these obstacles, and each day, I find God reveals a little bit more of His plan for me.

In the quiet, someone speaks. and its not me, yet I hear it, calling, encouraging, pushing me towards things I cannot see or even comprehend, yet Im running, in the direction of the voices, hoping to find something, anything to hold onto, to make it a little more comfortable.

Comfortable? is that what im called to? No, definitely not. I have been asked to live amoungst the uncomfortable, the unloved, unwanted. Called to bring this feeling of unconditional love to the loveless and the lonely, which is not calling me into an area of comfort, but rather, intentional discomfort.

Lately, the whispers have grown louder, in the midst of my constant discouragement and feeling of not being good enough for you, whoever "you" happens to be on a regular basis. oh Father, why couldn't you have called me to a life of easy-ness?

That is not the Father that i am a servant to.

So I stand here unashamed, calling your name, hoping to hear in the midst of my cries, an answer, and here is what has been whispered.

- I am made in the image of a King.

- Maybe I just need to trust and have faith in the things I cannot see or comprehend, so that He Himself can show me.

- I am good enough.

- I am blind, yet I can still follow.

So here I go, discouraged yet strong, hopeful yet humble, learning, growing, listening, just being.

Here I go into the darkness, following the light in the distance, that seems to get brighter when I have faith in the coming days.

Here I go, hoping you wont break my heart, indulging in prayer, resting in Advent, waiting for new direction, excited for the future.

I am always learning and growing. I hope I never stop.

To be broken.

2008-07-19T13:16:00.003-06:00

I have officially been at Gull Lake for over a month, fulfilling amazing things I have been called to this summer. I wish I could tell you, its been the easiest summer of my life but Ive been working on my honesty , so I must say, its been way harder than expected.

Being on the cabin leading team has been amazing, challenging, but growing. I work with some of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life. Mel has quickly turned into an amazing friend, and I love being part of her team.

Unfortunately, God has called me to a different area of camp as of this week, which has been insane. He has called me to live a life of solitude, or partial solitude, by switching from cabin leading, to Maintainence. If you have any idea who I am , you should know that after taking the Myers Briggs Personality test, I came out 98% extraverted.

By switching to Maintainence, I will be mentoring LTDs throughout the summer, and being humbled by such tedious work, and unappreciation.

Its amazing to see how God is changing my heart, and asking me to focus on my weaknesses, in order to learn how to be a stronger woman in Him.

Its terrifying to think of not being surrounded by campers every second of the day, but perhaps if I can learn what its like to be in solitude, and to serve, and do jobs others turn down, I will be able to see something more, and become connected deeper to the God I serve diligently.

May my huge heart continue to grow, and love, as I learn new things about me, and as I learn to find comfort in my loving and merciful God and trust where he is leading me.

For I know it is not into the dark.

- b.

white lines & red lights.

2008-06-23T09:12:00.002-06:00

[ proverbs 31:30] - Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the lord is to be praised.

And in the midst of stress, chaos, and party plans, I have never seen a sky so red, and so refreshing in my life. Scamper camp drew to a close yesterday, and our first of many campers left with a new spirit, and a new sense of love for others. Although you may think many 5 - 7 year olds don't care about that kind of thing, I wish you could have been here at this place I am at, to see the care these children have for eachother.

In effort to not wear myself out by the end of weekend one, I have been connecting deeper, loving harder, and having more faith in the God that sent me here for the summer.

It has been an interesting journey so far at the newly named Gull Lake Centre for staff training. Although it has been hard on my heart to be here, I could not have asked for a better team. Mel is our Cabin Leader Core Leader, and she is so inspirational, I am so blessed to learn from her. The rest of our Cabin Leader team is exceptional, and I find myself finding amazing qualities, and beautiful things in all of my new friends here at camp.

As I sat at the beach last night with some friends, trying to make bannok out of watery batter, some sticks, and a metal bowl, I raised my head to see the most beautiful sunset I have ever experienced. Its been hard to justify being at camp right now, knowing that one of my favorite families, is suffering and knowing i cannot be there for them, and nothing i could say would really help. Slightly emotional and tired from the weekend, the piercing red sky was filled with hope and renewal for the coming days.

Im not going to sit here and tell you my summer will be easy, because it wont, every day I am faced with something difficult, challenging, and life changing but I know I can do this.

Perhaps this summer was exactly what I needed to find myself. As I go deeper, love more, gossip less, be more, live more, ask questions less, and run with the wind, I pray you will go with me on this journey in spirit, in love, in patience and support for the changes about to take place in my heart.

May I be a light in a world full of darkness,

May I find beauty in everyone I encounter,

May I love like a wildfire without water,

May I find who I am , and just run with it.

-b;

dios te bendigo.

2008-04-25T21:29:00.001-06:00

Reconozcan que el señor es Dios, El nos hiso, y somo suyos; somo su pueblo objetas de su prado. Salmo 100:3
I am writing from the bottom of my heart, and nothing less than that. I know some of you will read this, and question me, because you do not fully understand where I have been, where I am coming from, and where I am going.
I’ve written many entries about my trip to Tijuana, Mexico, but I’ve yet to stop writing, breathing, and thinking about los niños de la promesa de Jesús Christo. It wasn’t JUST a mission’s trip, it wasn’t JUST a few months, and it wasn’t JUST to hold babies. It was where I learned to love, where I learned the value of clean water, free worship, and safety. Tijuana was where I learned about hardship, poverty, the value of my home sweet home in Canada. Often we run to third world countries wanting to save them, change them, evangelise them, help them, when really we are the ones who need to learn the true meaning of being saved, being changed, evangelised and helped.
I reflect constantly on the things I witnessed living in a place like Tijuana, full of corruption, poverty, human trafficking, prostitution, homelessness, and orphans. I’m tired of sitting around feeling sorry for these people. Let me explain, I sit around with a wallet full of cash, hair done, new clothes on, riding in my best friends vehicles, talking about how bad Tijuana was, and how I feel really sorry for them. BUT I AM DOING NOTHING ABOUT IT. My heart aches as I think about my selfishness. I feel like I should be doing something more than praying. I’m not underestimating the ability of prayer, but I want to do MORE.
At the Purple Palace I struggled to find my purpose for the longest time. I arrived in Tijuana in shock at the amount of babies lying in lifeless cribs, knowing that there were thousands more on the streets. The women who worked with the babies were lifeless themselves. Recovering addicts, prostitutes, and single mothers ran the baby room, but of course this was strictly a job for them. The love I could give these children would never be enough, and I searched for the fruit I was instilling in them, to find nothing until I fell in love.
Tortuga and Emily taught me how to love without boundaries. I fell in love with them, I cannot imagine living without my mother. Tortuga (Bernice) was two months premature, and three months old when I arrived, consisting of nothing more than skin and bones. As I held her, I loved her, more than I could even imagine. Her little body & soul depended on me to hold her, support her, sing to her. After watching her grow sicker and sicker, and returning home to Calgary, she was diagnosed with the HIV virus. Such a small baby, not much hope for survival, I began to realise that I was watching her slowly die, and as soon as that thought popped into my head, I killed it with the fact, that I wasn’t watching her die, I was watching her live. Although tomorrow may come, and she may die, my Father will carry her little body directly to Him. Emily on the other hand was healthy, but not happy. She was just two when I met her, and there was an instant need for each other. Most of the children in the baby room were not held, therefore, when I come along, and pick them up, we are filled with smiles and joy to just receive physical touch. I was part of Emily’s firsts. I taught her how to take her first step, I taught her how to say my name, well, mama is close enough. I taught her how to trust me. And I taught her that I love her, and I always will. I tell myself every day that if Emily ever came up for adoption that I would adopt her in a heart beat. I don’t care if I have to sacrifice the rest of my life, it will be a bridge I will have to cross when that day comes.
Yet I failed them. Or my heart tells me I did anyways. I left them, just like everyone else. I don’t know when I will be back. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I never wanted to say goodbye .I got sick, and I copped out. Theres always been something in the way. In two weeks I was supposed to be on my way back to Tijuana, back to my children. But something got in the way. I don’t belong here, and I don’t think I ever will. I want to live where my hands are always dirty. I want to live where my God lives. I want to live where there are children without families. I want to live where my love matters. I want to live without material items. I want to HAVE to pray when I walk down the street. I want to live where frijoles and tortillas are eaten three meals a day. I want to live in a place that needs God’s light. I want to live where I am the minority. I want to live in faith. I just want to learn what living really is.
As I reflect on my time spent with God in Tijuana, I remember one thing very clearly. I felt God stronger than ever before in those children. Their forgiveness, grace, love, and hope even though their lives were horrible, they believed. I want my children growing up knowing their stories. I want to be humbled, thankful, faithful, and dirty. I want to get my hands dirty.
These thoughts run through my head a million times a day. I’m tired of speaking about how I want to see things happen. I need to start doing them.

So I wanna change the world, what am I waiting for?

my God lives.

2008-03-26T13:50:00.002-06:00

This blog will be filled with struggles, hope , and amazing stories of my God. So if you are not up for hearing about how my God moves, my triumphs and my failures, you can stop reading now.
My life has been filled with busyness from school, nannying and trying to breathe. Stress does not look good on me, let me tell you! I love being busy, i do, always having things to do, but i think that in order for me to stay busy, and to avoid being stressed to the max, I needed to create at least one day a week for a Sabbath day . Those days are hard to find. Ive been learning how to prioritize big time. I needed to reevaluate what I was putting my 3 T's into. My Time, my Treasure, and my Talent. What is important in my life?

I have deemed Awaken extremely important in my life, yet i found i was not giving my all to Awaken and its community. So i decided that in order for me to give everything i have to something so important in my life, i needed to utilise the rest of my weekend to get work done so i didnt have to worry about it after or before Awaken, and I could come to that place of worship, community, and learning instead of thinking about " how am i going to get all this done in one night? " So far so good.

Another aspect of my life, is this boy. I wont spend too much time on him, but i'd like to say, that after i gave it up to God, i felt so much better about the whole situation. I met this boy or man i guess ha and he is truly an outstanding man of God. I asked him to pray about us, and we both did, and both, without telling eachother previously, felt as though God was calling us to slow down, and get ot know eachother beter, before rushing into something that could potentially not have God as the center. So for the time being, although our feelings are mutual, we are going to wait on God, and allow God to be the center of our relationship, praying about it, and taking things slow. He is a great person, and even if as we get to know eachother better we decide not to pursue things, God will have again given me an amazing friend.

These past few weeks i'll admit have been hard. My sister moved out, and is now living with my mom, and so now its just me and my father, and Finnigan. Well, Finnigan as long as we can keep him. During this time period, my dad almost lost his job, but thankfully, everything worked out, and he is okay right now. It was a struggle not having my sister at home, but God is moving, and eventually i will see why this had to happen.

My God lives. And he loves, he moves, he is gracious, forgiving, bigger than we can imagine, he is to be feared, followed, and is everlasting.

I will continue to have hope in my God, for as long as i live.

Jesus conquered the grave.

societal worthlessness. being beautiful stinks.

2008-02-11T20:10:00.000-07:00

Is this seriously what it has become? Depending on society to tell you , that you are worth something? I sit here in disbelief, that I could actually be thinking this. I have waited for society to accept me for who I am for years.

I have been brain washed ( as many of you have as well im sure ) to believe that I am not good enough, if I am not a size two. Even if I am a size two, then they tell me, you REALLY should be a zero, but we'll work on that.

Of course most of our families and friends, reassure us, that we are good enough, and that size doesn't matter, but does it matter?
I will never be good enough. good enough for society that is. I feel the blatent stares from people, silently judging my outfits, my size, my hair, the way i carry myself, but i carry myself in a different way, then they may understand.

Because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I have begun on a long and hard journey, to see the beauty in everyone. To see God in people, most people walk over. And I think that journey really starts with ourselves.

I'm sure there is nothing greater we could achieve then two things. To live like Christ, and two, to see Beauty and love in all things.

Maybe someone out there can relate to what I am going to say now. This process needs to begin with myself. I need to see the beauty and love inside myself before I can find it in others, which is something I personally struggle with.

How hard is it to love myself, when all i hear everyday, from music, tv, radio, weight loss commercials, silent judgings and videos is that I am not good enough.

Yet God made ME in his image. Nothing more and nothing less. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. But why can't I realise that, that is good enough?

What is beauty? Societal Worthlessness brings me to the point, that they have defined my beauty as being not enough. Beauty is not eating, fake nails, fake smile, boyfriend after boyfriend, long blonde straight hair, short skirt, low shirts, model in New York, too good for you. Needless to say, i have Failed at all these things.

I am unique and original, so how do i define beauty?

Beauty is making people smile, being real, wearing clothes that fit, genuinely loving, caring, giving. Beauty is in Christ, it is different in every person. It is hidden, and waits to be revealed. It is locked in a girls heart, waiting for someone to dig deep enough to see it. And eventually that beauty pours out. Everywhere, to everyone, and everyone can see it.

So beauty is different for everyone? Then how can we define it? We Cant. Because the definition is always changing, per person, per heart, from girl to women, from boy to man. Because yes, boys have beauty too.

So maybe its time for us to start trying to unlock that beauty in everyone.

To prove to others that they are worth it, and they are more than enough.

Lets stop trying to be accepted by society, with our millions of clothes, our judging our gossip and remember, that we really just need to accept ourselves. We are all made in one image.

Fearfully and wonderfully made.

Bree.

I see God.

2008-02-08T13:27:00.000-07:00

I am learning. I am growing. I am becoming. I am faithful. I am a girl after God's own heart.

I have been so overwhelmed for the past few weeks, but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. today.

Ive been in school for about a month already, and i still love it. I wake up every day with my heart wide open, ready to change. To transform into a person, that shows people who Christ is, by just being. As overwhelming as four classes, two days of nannying, and lots of homework is, I am excited about where God is taking me.

This week, I have begun learning what it means to be waiting on God. My Dad surprised me with paying for tickets to San Diego with his airmiles, So i could go back to Tijuana with my friend Lisa. Oh God, thank you, what could be more amazing then that ? So in the excitement i emailed the palace my flight info. And waited. for three days i heard nothing. And finally i got an email, saying that they changed their minds, they have no room for us, and the kids are getting old enough to care for themselves.

I have never been more devestated. I felt SO called to be there, dispite how i was treated, dispite how hard it was, I felt God calling me to Tijuana, and now it is taken away. So i had to tell my friend to cancel her tickets, and hope she didnt lose any money, and cancel mine as well. In the midst of this confusion, I began to pray, harder than ive ever prayed before. I began to cry out, and i realised God must know what he is doing. I KNOW he knows what he's doing, and i felt my patience growing.

What a challenging week. But i have been so blessed. Over the passed month, i have made an effort to get to know this guy I knew, knew of, and attended church with, but never really talked to. He has been such a blessing and he has no idea.

When i see him, i feel like i am staring into the eyes of my God. In the midst of his hurting, his longing, and hardship, he is still willing to give everything he has to other people. There is something about him, that just screams I am apart of something different, and it draws me closer to him.

I am blessed to have met such a person, that shows me such amazing love, and demonstrates God to me all the time.

Stir it up in our hearts lord.

Lord have your way with us.

Bree.

yearn

2008-01-25T21:50:00.000-07:00

im writing to you in total honesty. in a volunerable place in my life. a place in my life where im not sure where i am headed.

Ive started school, which is going well, im working really hard, and trying to find my place at a school where everyone is there for many purposes. but only one God.

I find myself reflecting on my life quite a bit. From How am i really doing? to what am i doing? And sometimes my lack of honesty to myself, and to God scares me. Why can't i tell God how i really feel? Spill my heart, tell all my fears. Because i feel like i cannot let myself become volunerable.
Ive tried to keep myself busy. Im a nanny for two great kids, Eric and Annika, but they are quite the handful. I am pouring and pouring out my love, and my time, and my energy to help them grow into the amazing people they will one day be. But ive never felt quite as empty as i feel now.
As many of my friends run off to the other side of the world, it makes me reflect back to my gong show of a trip to Tijuana, Mexico. There were times of pure hatred, hard, grueling times when i just wanted to come home. There were times i cried myself to sleep, because of realisations, that i found in Mexico. But there were times of growth, of love, of pure happiness. Times were God was clear, and where he wasn't which was abruptly ended by Tonsilitus and mono. And i still have the feeling of pure failure lurking in the pit of my stomach.

Could i have toughed it out? Did i still have work to do? Could i have prevented it? did i fulfill my calling?

Emotionally i am in a tough spot between my Christian faith, and my non Christian home. After long agruements and debates about my summer, my jobs and my intentions, i cried and yelled at my father , who did not understand why i didn't want to get a job this summer making tons of money.

I hate money. I HATE it. It is the cause of the majority of fights in my house, worries, and debates. I could care less if i had one penny in the bank, because i know my God will provide. And yes, i work, and i am so cautious with my money. But i have been broughten up to realise the "importance" of money.

I want to work at Gull Lake for my sequel to summer oo7. The job is life changing, the money is there, but you barely see it. But i can CHANGE the lives of children who need me. I can change and be changed, grow and help with growth. But how do you explain that to a father who wants whats best for you, but whats best is making tons of money at a desk job?

I want to go back to Tijuana in may, for a few weeks, to visit, to pray, to love again. I want to without feeling like im letting my dad down. I want to go and feel like i am being supported.

Which brings me to my feelings as of late.

It scares me to think this. It makes me cry to say it. But i feel like God is calling me to work with youth in Mexico. Perhaps near the palace, maybe somewhere totally different. But this is a feeling i cannot shake.

I try to pretend i dont feel that way. I try to take my mind off of it. But it scares me. How do i tell my dad, that not only do i want to visit mexico in May , but that im not going to make money there, then i am going to come home for about a week, and go off to Gull Lake for the summer, to spend my summer pouring out my love, and once again make nothing i can cash in to the bank. I will make lots of new friends, a million memories, i will make someones summer the best one yet.

And im willing to sacrifice all the money in the world for that.

How do i stay true to myself , and not let my dad down? How do i follow such a HUGE calling, and still make my family happy?

Im tired of longing for my families approval, i am an adult am i not? I love my family more than anything in the world, but im tired off waiting for " im proud of you's" and " you've done well's"

I just want to be me, to follow God, to change the world with my love, and commiting passion to my lord and savior.

And yet i sit here broken. Waiting to find out what to do next.

Oh Bree, not again.

r e a l

2008-01-17T22:43:00.000-07:00

My Realisations of the week:

o1. im so thankful for my sister

o2. sometimes cute boys are idiots

o3. 8:15 classes are the worst.

o4. do not wear flats in winter

o5. sometimes you really can laugh TOO hard

o6. my global awareness teacher is embarrassing

o7. i can never have too much sleep

o8. never buy cheap boots when you tend to talk on the sides of your feet

o9. pregnant ladies are hella cute

o1o. leaving is overrated

o11. its possible to miss someone too much

o12. facebook in class is awesome

o13. everyone at bible school is either married or wants to be

o14. its easy to make new friends if you smile.

o15. people rarely smile at strangers

o16. apparently residence is the place to be

o17. finnigan is like lightning when he steals food

o18. you can never win too many games of " life"

o19. ipods are neccessary on the bus

o2o. family is the most important thing in the world

o21. sometimes you just have to let it go.

2008-01-05T19:10:00.000-07:00

Goodbye 2007 , Hello 2oo8.

Im not going to lie, 2007 wasn't a horrible year, but it certainly wasn't the best of my 18 years of life either.

So here i go, starting another chapter of my life, as a girl, a young woman after God's own heart. And im not really sure where im going. 2007 brought lots of memories, such as my one year anniversary of my baptism , new friendships, growth, love, church planting with awaken, my first mexico experience in march of 2007, graduating, first christmas without my mom living at home, becoming best friends with my sister, being a member of the 007 gull lake staff , and turning 18.

And as i venture into 2008 i was alittle disapointed with how i celebrated my new year. Without huge detail, i realised that when i drink, and when i put myself into those situations, i am not the person that God has called me to be. No i wasn't drunk, and no i didnt do anything i regretted, but being in that environment, made it very clear to me that as a person following an everlasting God, that that is not what i am about.

I went out for coffee with a good friend of mine yesterday and we got to talking about my new years, and after explaining the situation to him, and hearing what he had to say, i realised what a brilliant man he truly is.

Perhaps i have been taking on too much. My life went from sleeping all day with mono, to full throttle into being busy, and consuming my life with lots of things, because i knew that once in my life i was capable of handling everything the world threw at me.

Maybe my deepest realisation of 2008 will be that i don't need to take on the world all by myself. That i don't need to fix everything, or be the mother hen. Even though that is the person i have taught myself to be, maybe i just need to look after Bree for a while.

I am going off to Gull Lake to babysit on Sunday, and i hope i can really just find myself out there, and realise the importance of being a girl who is after God's own heart.

Here i go, re-evaluate 2008.

Breanne Marie

if you'd just realise.

2007-12-12T21:30:00.000-07:00

[ Love is crazy pretty baby take it real slow , my feelings show . ]

As a rush of emotions over take me, i need to take a step back, and think about this situation from a different perspective. This is what i asked for wasn't it?
I asked God to tell me what to do with this situation, with my heart, with this guy, and after two years, God spoke in the most literal of ways. Through him.
It was a surprise, let me tell you, because everything seemed to be going great. And then , through honesty and looking out for eachother, it happened. Honesty.
His emotions were laid out onto the table, and it scared me.
And at that moment, i realised, this is what i asked for. In my head, expecting a different outcome, but in my heart, knowing God let me know, before things got deeper, and emotions took over. And im not going to lie, it hurt alittle. To have every little bit of hope squished out of you, over a boy. But i have amazing friends. And they were there, and they helped me put this into perspective.

What would you rather have bree? A relationship that may not last, or a million amazing friendships that are forever. And you know what my answer was? Cats. I'll just buy cats. baha.

But seriously, after a moment of an aching heart, and a few hours of utter realisation, i am where i am, because of my everlasting god. Because of my faithful prayers night after night, and because of a great friendship, i would never want to lose.

This is going to be my year. I know it.

Anyone know where i can buy bulk cats?

Bree =)

stop for a minute.

2007-12-11T16:30:00.000-07:00

I spent last Sunday at the drop in center, downtown Calgary, with a group of students that i have just met, and my friend Lisa. It was such a sweet opportunity, that required me and Lisa to make about 300 cookies, bundle up, and join this group outside the drop in center with donuts, cookies, and coffee.
All we did was wait. They made an announcement inside that we were there, and slowly many people who have been living on the streets, or in shelters, trickled in. Some just wanted a warm cup of coffee and some home made cookies, others came souly for the company.
I met a man named Robert. At first we thought he would just grab a coffee and skidaddle, but on the contrary we got to spend most of our afternoon talking to him.
He would leave, and come back, saying quite simply, that he doesnt get much of an opportunity to sit and visit and talk with people, who are genuinely interested in his life.
He ran to get his bible. I was excited, because he was so thrilled to recite verses he liked, and i read to him, because he couldnt read some of the words, and he would tell me not to be afriad, just to read, he just liked to hear the words on the page read i think.
He smiled, as he told us verses to read when we got home, and i smiled, knowing that he had hope.
Standing outside in the cold was horrible, it was freezing, but for the moment that they got their coffee and stuffed their pockets with cookies, their smile was the light at the end of the tunnel.
Thinking back on it, if i was having a horrible day, i was in a rutt, maybe i was in trouble, i find it hard to believe that for any moment, a cookie and a cup of coffee could fix my problems.
This was so real, and such a great experience, i cant wait to go back.
So after watching all the people who came, recieve that little bit of hope, a smile, and a silly home made cookie ive come to the realisation that maybe it really is the little things that keep us going.

Living for the little things.

Bree

deep down inside.

2007-11-20T11:28:00.001-07:00

And its been a while since i have been able to sit down and organise all my thoughts. but here it goes.

Since being home, its been kind of a struggle to keep my head above water. Ive been doing alright health wise. the antibiotics have been doing their job for now, until they can figure out what to do about my tonsils.

Its definitely hard to be re-immersed into such a greedy society. Where everyone is so caught up in getting more. And few are satisfied with what they have. For 6 weeks i lived in a small room , eating the same things every day, 2 times a day, wearing only the clothes i could pack in my small bag. And i was happy. God placed on my heart that i needed to live simply. So when my camera was broken, and my ipod stolen, it encouraged me to pray more often. Spend more time submersed in the culture. Spend more time knee deep in my bible.

Thats why i love Awaken.

Because not only does it challenge me to be a better person, a person part of a bigger picture, but the community is striving to live souly for God, to help the environment, to save lives, clothe children, feed those who are hungry, provide shelter for those who need it . And isnt that the bigger picture?
Isnt that what we are called to do?

After reading Daniel chapter 6, i was so encouraged. There is a part in Daniel chapter 6 that says " he still prays" and that is what stuck out to me.

Everyone at some point in their life hits rock bottom. Where its hard for them to pray, or to even just find God, and what he wants in their lives. And in those times we forget to pray, we grow distant, but in this chapter it really emphasized for me that we need to continuously pray to the God we serve continually, for he will rescue us.

My life is complicated, but my faith is not. Because i know im not alone, and im ready for the next chapter in my life.

Bree.

everything.

2007-11-06T14:53:00.000-07:00

you hold me in your hands , you wont let me fall.

you still my heart, and you take my breath away

would you take me in? take me deeper now.

enferma y frustre.

2007-11-04T10:59:00.000-07:00

i am frusterated out of my mind.
as soon as things started to get better, my health came crashing back down.
on Friday i got a horrible fever again, and my tonsils started to hurt. They swelled to the point where i could barely talk, and i happened to be spending the night with the older kids at a church in Las Playas.
So Saturday upon returning i was greeted with a hello, how was it? And when i told Connie what was wrong, she barked back, well Brianna ( as she likes to call me ) why would you go then? So i simply told her , if i knew i was going to get sick, i wouldnt have gone.
Tyler took me to the hospital, then after finding out the doctor i needed wasnt there, we went to a different clinic for ears, noses and throughts. This time we got a "good " doctor.
He did an allergy test, and looked at my tonsils, and said that they were really big,and that it was causing my airway to be limited.
He told me that allergies might me the reason that my tonsils are trying to kill me, and gave me a bacteria vaccination shot, plus 3 different types of medicine to take, some needles and vaccination to take home with me ( sketchy ) and then told me that i should consider taking out my tonsils in the future.
Great. So i told him i was not going to get them taken out while i am here, that i would do it when i got home .
After getting back to el pozo , i fell asleep at about 6 and woke up this morning at 7 30.
Who knew that being on 3 different medications would make you drowsy.
So now Connie has told me i need to stay in my room, because they have taken me ot alot of doctors and spent various amounts of money to get me better, and if i dont get better soon, she wants me to go home.
So there you have it.
If i dont get better, soon, i will be coming home
which is something that i cant say i want, and also something i cant say i dont want. IF i stay sick, of course i want to come home. And the fact that Connie is not the most compassionate person makes me want to walk home. But for the sake of the children, and how much i love them, and enjoy sharing my life with them, and theirs with me, i want to finish out my stay, make the best of it, love, and be loved, and leave on a happy note, because i have to go back for school, not because i got sick, and wanted to leave.

God will provide, i just have to wait, and pray and have faith.
And i do.

So here i go.

Bree.

amazing god.

2007-11-01T19:58:00.000-06:00

Today i cried happy tears. I think it was one of my first happy cries since being here.
I was at my witts end today. Critisized, angry, and trying to take my day off, i was frusterated, and just wanted someone to talk to.
Its hard to have time to think in a place like this. Sometimes its hard to take time for me, because my time is better spent taking care of others.
I always look forward to church on thursday nights with the youth, but tonight, because of Halloween, was cancelled, so i was disapointed to find that i would be over worked again tonight, until i made my way outside.

Tyler, Connies husband greeted me with something wonderful. A million dollars. Just kidding. But it sure felt like a million bucks. A package. From Awaken . I ran to my room, grabbed scissors, and kleenex, and opened it. It was beautiful.

Everything. From shoes to markers to pictures from my favorite girls in the whole world. From encouraging words, to a stuffed animal, to journals galore. This was my million dollars. This was what i was waiting for. My little bit of hope, my clinger, my reason to hang in there. I have 47 days left here. It was my reason to give my all for the last half of my stay. I cried , because i was so thankful for everything you have given me, from prayers to love, to a place where i find friendship and community.

Thank you. thank you. thank you.

Every last little thing in the package was a blessing. You are a blessing.

Thank you for the prayers

thank you for the love

thank you for the support

thank you for the encouragement

thank you for believing in me

thank you for caring about me

thank you for being there for me

thank you for reminding me what is so amazing about coming " home "

thank you for pushing me.

This was everything i needed. Thanks be to God.

God is good.

God always provides in times of need.

Bree.

my chains are gone

2007-10-30T22:54:00.000-06:00

Amazing grace

How sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me

I once was lost, but now I'm found

Was blind, but now I see

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear

And grace my fears relieved

How precious did that grace appear

The hour I first believed

My chains are gone

I've been set free

My God, my Savior has ransomed me

And like a flood His mercy reigns

Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me

His word my hope secures

He will my shield and portion be

As long as life endures

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow

The sun forbid to shine

But God, Who called me here below

Will be forever mine

You are forever mine

never say never, but never trust a mexican doctor.

2007-10-28T20:16:00.000-06:00

Today i had to go to the doctor, the sketchy one, because he is the only one open on Sundays. Go figure. Thursday night i got really sick, with a fever, headache, and my ear was KILLING me. Anyways, sent to bed with allergy medicine, i woke up feeling even worse, and when did i wake up? 4:30pm. yep. i went to be at 10pm and woke up at 4: 30 pm .
So i slept all Saturday, and today i couldnt bare the pain, so they took me to a spanish doctor down the street. Its sketchy number one, because it is also a dentist office haha. So the doctor is a dentist and vice versa.. haha.
So Tyler, Connies husband told him that my right gland was swollen, and bothering my right ear, and that it hurt when i swallowed. So the doctor got his stuff out, and looked in my throught, and was convinced that my tonsils needed to come out, with further looking of course. Then he looked in my LEFT ear, and told me i had an ear infection, tonsil infection, and allergies. haha. And gave me mexican drugs, but had to give me multiple packets haha because it is only free samples he has.
So i left no better off , but with alot of strong drugs haha. Which tyler made me throw away =) and gave me his own antibiotics ( ps. hes a doctor too )

God has REALLY been teaching me ot live simplier, and i realised this when my ipod was stolen on Thursday. oh ipod.
At first i was SO mad. SO mad.
Then i realised it is only a material object. only a material object, yes its mine, and yes i worked hard for it, but its not my life, its not my love, its only material.

So im ipodless, camera less, sick, and hungry, but God is good to me. God is really good.

Bree.

que bonita.

2007-10-24T21:08:00.000-06:00

Dios te bendigo. mis amigos, espanol es muy facil si tu vives en Mexico.
Ive found that i am living for the little things that happen every day and i thought i should share with you a few of them, which may not be as small as i thought at the time.
On Thursday ( jueves for all the spanish speaking folks) we went to bible study, but our ride was really late picking us up so we caught the last 10 minutes of it, then decided to get bread afterwards ( which is a popular thing here in Mexico, maybe cause its really cheap and really good ) so we went to the pastelaria, and i didnt get any bread because i wasnt hungry, but the boys thought it was because i didnt have any money, so they bought lots of bread, and came out, and cautiously asked why i didnt want bread, and i laughed and told them i wasnt hungry, but the one older boy who never has talked to me yet, was the first to offer his bread to me, and explain that i could have it if i wanted it. Its amazing how quick people are to offer up all they have. you tell them you like something, and they want to give it to you. Its amazing. its life changing. They are children of God.
On the weekend a girl, her mother and her grandmother came, with bags of goodies for the kids. After letting the kids MAUL their puppies, the girl was asked what they had to do to give the kids all of these treats, and the girl piped up and said that she had saved her allowance to buy it for the children. What kind of a child, living in Mexico would give up their allowance to buy someone else something to eat? A Child of God.
Last night i found myself outside praying for the families and organisations affected by the fires in San Diego caused by the Santa Ana winds. on a side note, over 1000 homes burnt down yesterday, many families from our church were evacuated, and because of the insane fumes, the kids have not had school all week, and we have been confined inside due to smoke , and if we do venture outside, we look like immature doctors.
So i was greeted by a boy asking me why i wasnt asleep. And you have ot know, that this boy, does not talk to anyone . Maybe a few kids inside, here and there, but NO english, NO adults, NO seriousness. So i answered with a im not tired, buenos noches, and assumed that was the end. To my surprise he returned with his computer , sat down next to me, and began to ask me questions. We got on the topic of love, etc, and he mentioned that he wants to find the right girl, because 99% of the girls in Mexico, date a boy because of his money. I talked about the importance of the heart, and God, and he listened, and talked, and i told him about my life, and he told me about his. He is a child of God. even if he doesnt know it yet.
Its hard , day by day i watch mothers leave their kids here, with a goodbye, they are gone, back to the streets, and it kills me, but im thankful, because these children will be able to have a good life at the purple palace , and learn what it means to be a child of God.
God is full of surprises.
And i love it.

rich.

2007-10-19T23:18:00.000-06:00

Ive been trying my best to get really involved in what the kids are doing here in Tijuana, and one of their weekly things they like to do, is go to a bible study at La Roca ( the rock ) church on Thursday nights. So each week, although this day is my "day off" i am always ready and excited to go to bible study with the kids, hoping that it will in turn bring me closer to God, and closer to the jovenes ( youth )
This week, Nico the guy that usually comes to get us didnt come, we found out later that he was preaching, and forgot to tell us he couldn't come get us. This man Renee came a little late, picked us up, and we drove like true Mexicans to La Roca , Armagedon church. By the time we got there, there was only 10 minutes left of the bible study, so we listened and then shortly after made our way back. The kids wanted to get pan ( bread) so we stopped at a bakery, and got some bread, and when i didnt buy any , a boy spoke up, and said, bree, why dont you buy this store, your rich, arent you?
And i nervously laughed, and almost said no im not, but was quick to shut my mouth, and pray. I am rich. I am very rich.
I dont have "alot" of money, i work, i struggle, i cant afford things, but to them, i am as rich as they come.

Do i have the option to wear a different shirt during the week ? yes

Do i eat well all the time ? yes

Do i live in a house that shelters me ? yes

Do i have change in my pocket? yes.

Then i am rich.

Ive never truly been reminded about how rich i am, or how lucky i am, until a simple question turned into something i think about constantly.

Here, I have the basic necessities, andthen some great things to have, and i have survived, and i am doing well.
Its an amazing thing, and a heartbreaking thing, to realise that i am rich.

But its what i will dowith my "riches" that makes me different.

that will make me different.

i will not sit by anylonger.

Bree

2007-10-18T12:45:00.000-06:00

It is finally my day off today, and i felt like i should update you alittle more.
On Monday i went to San Diego . it was the daughter of a guy i have come to know through Kelly's birthday. So the fun began when she chose to go to " Andys fish bin " or something of the sort for her birthday lunch.
Most of you know that i am Terrified of fish. so i kept my mouth shut not to ruin her day, until Joan, the ex nun 62 year old lady who i love blurts out, OH NO BREE IS AFRAID OF FISH.
After a good laugh, we went to a place with chicken aswell. Who knew my fear was so funny ?
So then we went to this little village called " Old Town" and walked around, and it was beautiful, and so i brought out my camera, tried to turn it on, only to realise it wasn't working. The battery was charged, but the lens wouldnt stay open.
After the initial angry reaction, i've decided maybe God has called me to live simplier here, and i will have to wait to fix my camera when i get home.
Its been getting easier to adjust to things like beans twice a day, and has allowed me to be thankful for food each and every day.
Ive learned to stay away from people who cause conflict, and stay close to those who bring me closer to being like Jesus.
Ex's nuns tend to do that =) haha.
Its good to hear from home, when i get to pray for those at home, and stay connected, it helps me feel better being here.
I have fallen in love with a little girl named Emily. She is about 14 months and has curly black hair. She has beautiful blue eyes , and is the sweetest little girl.
Currently she has begun calling me mama, which no one can figure out why.
As of right now, no adoptions can take place, because these children still have parents. Their parents are on the streets, selling their body, doing drugs, drinking, and are the unfittest of the unfit to parent a child.
In order to adopt a child, you have to have every single last family member sign off on the child from mom to great aunt melba. Which is a difficult process.
Maybe its a sign from God, because he knows, that if i could adopt a child, i would bring alot more then knowledge home with me, and probably alot of babies.
Something i find fasinating though, is that you can sponsor children here, for 3o dollars a month. It was an eye opener to me, because i have gotten to know all of these kids, so it would be alot more personal. And another sweet thing, is that " Ninos de la promesa, or children of promise " is a volunteer based organisation , therefore all of the money and profits sent in to your child, go straight to the things your child needs.
If anyone is interested there are lots of kids who need sponsors, or even little items like shoes and clothes that fit.
All in All, im doing alright.
As Christmas nears, kids are getting excited for school breaks and little parties, which is exciting for me to see .
My spanish is becoming really good, and its exciting to talk to the kids in spanish more and more.
Thanks for the prayers and support.

So far , im still alive =)

Bree.

dios ; usa mis manos.

2007-10-10T21:07:00.000-06:00

I know it has been a while since i have written last, but to my surprise i have been quite busy.
It has gotten alittle better since last week, and each day seems to get alittle better which is good, except it is still quite difficult.
Thank you to everyone who is praying for me, and prayed for me during my hard time last week, i really appreciate it.
This week i have really tried to connect with the kids alot, to make my stay here more enjoyable. Alot of the older kids, from 11 - my age have really started to connect with me. Some still look at me like im satan, but hey, its getting better.
The lady who runs the orphanage is not the greatest to me, but im trying to find a way to tune her out, and live with her.
I am now teaching about 7 - 10 kids english, which i LOVE ( sometimes) as well as taking my 3 times a week spanish lessons with Wes and Renee, and my fill in mom Joan, a 60 year old missionary currently living here as well.
I hate the kitchen, because well, i cannot cook. which doesnt matter , because none of the ladies in the kitchen can either =) .
Ive been told its not that hard to make beans and eggs. boo urns.
I have been exploring my options with different orphanages, because at points, it can get really bad here. lots of politics, gossip , and drama, which i am not a fan of, which makes it really hard sometimes to stay close to God.
Dont get me wrong, there is good things here, and i see God working, and i dont think i could leave this place. Not yet. im not finished. i have not "arrived"
I am learning more and more spanish everyday, and teaching english helps, because i have to figure out what the words are in spanish to talk to them.
There are alot of hormones here, but i have managed to find some really good things in these kids its amazing.
Like Edgar. He can make me laugh like no one else. He speaks alot of english, and understands alot as well, so he likes to joke around with me, and tease me about my spanish. He is polite, and respects me, which is nice . he makes me feel welcome, even though he likes to make up stories about himself, and where hes from, so i fail my homework in Spanish class. Typical 17 year old boy.
jahjira is feisty, but a sweet girl as well. She likes to take me out and explore good ol Tijuana. She was my "in" into the girl group, which is very clicky, and still hasnt really taken to me that well. But we talk alot, and she is helping me understand spanish by hearing it.

Theres this boy here. Who doesnt go to youth group, bible study, and barely pays attention on church on Sunday, but for some reason, i felt like i could connect to him. And at first it was SO hard. Hes an almost 18 year old boy, whos mother, an ex prostitute, now helps oversee the orphanage, and lives here as well. Therefore he gets away with everything, and doesnt seem to connect or talk to anyone. We call him pretty boy because he spends more time looking in a mirror than any other boy ive met. He refuses to speak english, but i know he can speak alittle, because i talk to him in english and he understands. Tonight a girl was being rude to me, a girl who lives at the purple palace, and Martin , stepped in and told her to get lost. We got talking, and not just a " hey como estas" kinda conversation. I asked him about life, about himself, about university.
And he opened up. He spoke alittle english, ( which no one has ever heard him speak ) and told me his plans, and he asked me questions as well. I was shocked, but it gave me alittle hope that i can connect with other kids that way as well.

I hope this week continues to be alright. Im kinda exhausted, so im praying for more energy. Weekends seem to be really good, and i have made a good friend in San Diego, a nurse who comes down on weekends Niomi. Next weekend i am going to stay at her house in San Diego, and she is going ot show me around.

God is good, and he is going to use me, to show others his love.

Ill try and update more often.

Bree

take it back.

2007-10-02T22:19:00.000-06:00

I must have jinxed myself because today was the worst day ever.
The ladies in baby central told Connie ( head lady) that i dont do anything.
i dont play with the kids, i dont help change diapers, they ask me to do things, like feed kids, and i say no. Can you imagine me saying, uhm no i wont feed this baby. Or sitting on my butt and not playing with as many babies as i could at once.
So i told Connie they were not telling the truth, and that in fact it was the other way around. She told me i should just think of it as a language barrier, and that i should go clean the nursary, vaccum and do dishes so they wouldnt be mad at me.
So i did. 20 clean bottles later, a spotless nursary, and 4 lying ladies later, and im really upset.
Why would i want to be there? Most of you know how much i love babies. i love them so much i cannot wait for my own. So this person they are talking about to Connie cannot be me.
They dont want me there, and i dont know why, but it sucks, because i get the brunt of it,
And Connie, told me today she wants me to " cool " off and work in the kitchen for a while. The KITCHEN??
i cant cook, i love kids, not dishes, so why would i want to stay here alone, without my family to work in the kitchen?

what a horrible horrible day.

you dont miss your water till the well runs dry.

2007-10-02T10:09:00.000-06:00

Well it has officially been a week here in Tijuana. I am getting more settled in, beginning to find some rhythm, starting to feel comfortable, and im getting better and better at spanish every day.
This weekend was good. On Sunday i got to go to church, which i loved. Even though the only words i understood were Yes God and Jesus. I guess if i had to understand any words, those would be good ones to understand.
But i dont think the best part of church for me, was being in church. As me and millions of little girls piled into a van in the scorching heat, we noticed a quad zip by, flip a few times, skid, and trap one of the teenage boys under the quad. there were two boys riding it, one flew off, got up and tried to help his friend. they crashed directly outside the church. Millions of men swarmed the boy under the quad, and the little girls in my van gasped, some cried, i prayed and tried to calm them down. There was a silence i had never heard before. with 30 girls in one van, i didnt know there could be silence. I knew we were all praying, the men outside, praying, people in the church, were definitely praying. They lifted the Quad off the boy, and helped him to his feet. Tyler, a man from the orphanage, told him they needed to call an ambulance, but the boys insisted they couldnt, because it was illegal for them to ride on the streets in a quad, and they knew how much trouble it would cause. The boy, who was caught under the quad, got up, and got back on the quad insisting he was fine. the boys took off again, driving more cautiously, and we watched in awe, as they road away from an accident like that.
God is good, and God was there. It was amazing.

Sunday night Joan and i took some kids to the championship soccer game that some of the older boys from the orphanage were in, and i was amazed at how good they were. They lost 6-3 but i have never seen anyone play soccer like that in my life. It was fun, and i got to see what the kids in the orphanage like, are interested in, and are talented at.

I have felt alittle out of place especially with the older kids at the orphanage, and one night i was in the computer room, and a boy probably 17 walked in, and whispers in his best english, good evening. Not knowing he was actually talking to me, i said nothing, so he made a noise of clearing his throught, and said it again louder. I said oh im sorry, good evening. I asked him his name, it was Edgar, and i pleased that he was talking to me, and after telling him my name, he said nice to meet you, and walked away happy that i undersood his english.

God is working in me, in the kids, at the orphanage, in Tijuana, everywhere, God is working, and i am so excited thati get to be a part of that!

Week two has started . And im excited to see where it takes me.

Bree

be near.

2007-09-30T22:43:00.000-06:00

You are all,big and small beautiful ohhh
And wonderful to trust in grace through faith
But I'm asking to taste
For dark is light to you
Depths are height to you
Far is near, but Lord I need to hear from you
Be near, oh God,
Be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good
Be near, oh God,
Be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good
Our good

Your fullness is mine (Your fullness is mine)
Revelation divine (Revelation divine)
But oh to taste, to know much more than a page
To feel your embrace...For dark is light to you
Depths are height to youFar is near but Lord,
I need to hear from you

Be near oh God
Be near oh God of us
You're nearness is to us our good
Be near oh God
Be near oh God of us
You're nearness is to us our good

Be near oh God
Be near oh God of us
You're nearness is to us our good
Be near oh God
Be near oh God of us
You're nearness is to us our good
My good

day three and four

2007-09-28T21:35:00.000-06:00

i dont really know where to start, anywhere would be good but i have so many emotions that its hard to spit them all out.
i still havent found my place. i feel like the ladies who work in baby central , dont want me, OR need me, so they arent very nice to me, only a few of them are, but when i dont know where my place is, its easier and easier for me to be homesick. i hate feeling like they are judging my every move.
Bernice has 2 names apparently, and all the ladies now call her Mirah. i like to call her turtle. When shes awake, she will lay on my stomach and stick out her little tounge and move her neck and head in and out. she is about 5pounds of nothing, so its all skin. she is what keeps me going i think. when i find her crying and pick her up, and she smiles, and responds to my kisses, and my voice, thats when i know im helping her.
As for me, im still alittle homesick. its really hard being here, when you feel so alone, but it has helped me turn to God alot more. I met a girl yesterday named Yohanna and she speaks english really well, so she promised to help me with my spanish if i teach her more english and help her with her homework .
Lucia wants me to sleep in baby central all the time, but Connie told me only to sleep there Monday and Tuesday or if Anna doesnt show up, which is frequently happening.
Im excited for church on Sunday, and Sunday is also my day off, so i will go to church, then maybe go downtown for a bit.
As exciting as Beans and tortillas is 4 days in a row, 2 meals a day, i think it might be nice to buy a few groceries of my own .
i miss home, and im hoping it gets easier. i know people are praying for me, and i really appreciate it. i need it.
im so thankful for what i have , its not even funny. I dont think i have ever fully realised everything i have. i mean, at home i dont need a " clean water tap"

i miss everyone alot. but i survived 2 more days.

Bree

day two

2007-09-27T08:57:00.000-06:00

Today is thursday, and im still alive =)
The "purified water tap" has not killed me, although i stay away from it as much as possible! Yesterday was a crazy day in baby central. I spent most of my time tending and loving Bernice, or turtle as i like to call her.
She is starting to respond to my voice, and look around for me . She responds to my kisses and loves my attention. She is eating alot more, and i have alot of faith in her, that she will do just fine.
She falls asleep on my chest and i love every moment i get to love her.
Cocito, or as they call him more often Miseal, is still the same as when i left him last. Im sure he remembers me, but sometimes he gives me funny looks as if im a stranger.
All in all it was a decent day. I napped in the afternoon, and my baby shift started at 5.
We eat twice a day, once at 10 and once at 4 30, so its taken alittle getting used to. But how long does it take to get used to beans and tortillas?

The baby units slept all night except of course Bernice, which was nice to actually get some sleep.
God is here, i know he is, and he's definitely helping me get over my home sickness.
God is good.
All is well on the homefront, i believe today is my day off, and sundays as well, so i think ill leave the orphanage for a while.
Perhaps a prayer walk would be good.

Bree

day one

2007-09-26T09:30:00.000-06:00

I arrived safe in Tijuana, and was getting alittle more excited and a little less scared to be here. I was given a room all to myself, even though i will be spending most of my nights sleeping in the baby central.
The evening went well, i got to go pick some of the children up from school, some remembered me , some didnt, and then take 3 babies to the doctor with Connie.
Bernice is 2 months old, but was a month premature, and is the size of a newborn premie still. She has alot of skin but no fat, and can fit in my hand.
Day by day she thrives on love, and prayers, but i hope she starts gaining weight soon.
I think it really hit me that iwouldnt see my family for 3 months, and my friends when it was time to go to bed. The babies fell asleep easily, and i turned on my ipod, in hopes to forget that i was alone.
20 minutes later , the loudest babies in the world woke up. Emily screamed, and shook, and yelled and cried and was only happy if you held her and walked, or gave her another bottle. she woke up every 20 minutes to 30 minutes, and the same procedures took place. Eventually the milk kicked in, i was tired, sad, and wanted to be in my own bed, she was sleeping, so i layed down, to hear Antonio wakeup and demand some attention. he was awake on and off until 4 am , he let me sleep until 6, then i was up for the day.
its hard tobe here, and to know i dont get to see my family for a long time. im safe, and im thankful, im just trying to cope, and hoping that God will show me amazing things.
Im alive and well, alittle sketched by their "purified water tap" and hope i dont getsick.

i love you all.
thanks for the prayers.

Bree

five days.

2007-09-20T13:20:00.000-06:00

God what are you doing to me ?

ten days and counting

2007-09-14T13:09:00.001-06:00

lend me some sugar. i am your neighbor.

Ten days until i leave Calgary for Tijuana. I am starting to get alot more nervous, anxious, excited, scared. After booking my flights and finding out how soon i am leaving, Mexico has become this crazy reality that kinda scares me.
Why would God call little ol' Bree to Tijuana ? Besides the fact that i love children, im full of God's love, and the orphanage needs me, why me? why Bree? It scares me to think about how much i will be challenged and put to the test. I fly to Denver first, wait 2 hours there, then make it to San Diego around 12 30pm i believe. Prayers would be fantastic. I know that every where you turn, you hear, God will provide, God will provide,

he will. and he did. I have recieved amazing support from friends, family, and churches that i never really quite expected.
I think what scares me the most is that Calgary right now is comfortable. I have my mom, my dad and my sister, my best friends, church, life, everything ive ever known, and now i am travelling a zillion miles to a place that is very uncomfortable.
Last night i had a dream, it was about Mexico and i went

but everything was still comfortable. Another caregiver spoke english, i wasn't being challenged, there even were children there that i knew in Calgary. That is not what it is going to be like. These Children need love, need to be held, need to know what its like to have someone who loves them, and knows God. And im going to be that someone, even if only for a little while.
Ive been listening to this song, " Hey Ya" which was re done by Matt Weddle, and it says ( silly i know ) lend me some sugar , i am your neighbor. But i took it differently. We are their neighbors, what are we doing for them ? Technically they are like the next block over , but STILL. what are we doing for them? This is all that i can do. Is go, and love them, teach them about God's love, do crafts, wake up at 2 am to hold them, mourn with them, and rejoice with them.

What are we doing for them ?

Bree.

breathing in.

2007-09-05T16:28:00.000-06:00

let everything that has breathe praise the lord ;;

Its definitely been a while since i wrote last. This summer was so challenging, but so amazing at the same time. God works in mysterious ways, and he is always surprising me.
As i settle back in Calgary, i am also preparing for something God is calling me to do. God has called me to serve in Tijuana Mexico at the Purple Palace, an Orphanage in the red light district. Can you imagine? I cannot even believe that im doing this. Little Bree, going to TIJUANA TO LIVE AT AN ORPHANAGE!! Im actually in shock. Not that i wont love it, because i will, i know i will love it, i love Kids, and i have a passion for mending brokeness, but its crazy! To go from Grade 12 at a nice high school, working at Gull Lake to MEXICO.
God knows what he's doing, cause the only thing i know is that i leave end of september and i will return close to Christmas.
Scott Cripps called me today to encourage me, and he couldn't have called at a better time!
I really needed to hear his words of encouragement, and to hear that his family * ahem* my family missed me. Sometimes all you need is a phone call.
This is going to be a crazy ride, but i have my helmet on, and im ready to go.
Or am i ?

Bree

Sometimes i wonder.

2007-07-02T15:38:00.001-06:00

I've now been at camp for about 3 1/2 weeks.
Its an amazing feeling to be surrounded by people who love God, and love me, and are willing to sacrifice everything to be here. But yesterday i came to the realisation that not everyone here is at a good point in their lives, that not everyone was strong in their faith like the initial impression that i had percieved.
As i began to grow closer to a boy at camp, i began to see that he was most likely struggling with his faith, and could use a little " pick me up " . So i began to welcome him to belong. This is a HUGE thing, that we as Christians need to work on, because sometimes we arent very welcoming at all.
Anyways, so i befriended him, and although he knew several other people on staff, i felt as if i would be a person to bring him closer to being back on track, and he was an amazing person to get to know.
3 weeks into our staff adventure as i like to call it, i noticed that he had with drawn alittle, and began to venture out and do things outside of our staff circle. During one of his outings , he got into a car accident, trying to avoid a deer, and hit a tree. It scared me SO much to think that he was in an accident, but it was weird, because that night, i felt like he needed me.
With that feeling, i was talking to my room mate Grace, and i told her that i was going to text him to tell him i was there for him, and i was praying for him, to here later the next day, that he did need me, and woke up after the accident at 5am, and returned to the camp with a crap car, and a headache.
As if that was the end of it.

3 or so days later, about 2 days into LTD week, i found out that he had resigned from Gull lake staff, and would be returning to Calgary, to find a job that could pay enough money to get his car fixed.

this BROKE MY HEART. i didnt understand why he had to leave, i mean i knew that every one on staff would gladly chip in to give him some money to fix his car, and i knew that this reason was just a reason to cover up for the real reason he wanted to leave.
did i do everything that i could have done to help him out? my initial reaction was no. I ran to him, and we talked about him leaving, and i made him share his story, in which God played little to no part in.
I told him i would pray for him, everyday, and i have, to this day, prayed for him, prayed for strength, renewal, peace, forgiveness and hope, but that didnt make me feel any better.
As he left, and i watched him drive away, i felt as if i had lost my chance . lost my chance to shower him in God's love, and being a compassionate person, i blamed no one but myself.

I welcomed him to belong, but i never got to challenge him to become. To grow in God, to challenge him in his faith, he just left.
So i questioned what God wanted me to do. i THOUGHT he wanted me to show him to this boy, to help this boy grow, to be there for him, pray for him, be a shoulder he could rely on. And he does, and still needs me to do that, but what was my purpose in his life?
I had multiple conversations with people, talking about how i felt as if i had failed him, as if i hadnt completed my job.
But maybe its just the beginning, and maybe God has a bigger plan for him. just maybe.

Im working on forgiving myself, growing in God, and learning how to interpret and listen to him specifically.

God works in mysterious ways,

please pray for my friend.

pray that i planted a seed.

pray that God's plan will come into play soon.

this summer is going to be one heck of a ride.

let me tell you.

Bree

amazing love

2007-06-24T19:38:00.000-06:00

i dont even know how to start this blog, other than by saying God is Good. For the past 10 days i have been up at Gull Lake Camp doing staff training for my summer! This past weekend was Scamper camp which involved 36 little kids ages 5-7 being entrusted to us, for a weekend of ups and downs, tears and laughter. Although this may sound Biased, my girls were definitely the best behaved girls ever. I had 5 little girls ( Kaya, Kassi, Kinley, Britt-lyn and Sarah) , and Carissa Lynn to help me out. When i met them i fell in love, and it was amazing. We played games, had nap time, hung out, had dance parties, made crafts, ate ALL the time, marched and made up songs, but most of all, we learnt new things about God, and how to share it with others.
They were good sleepers, and loved when we could sing together , or read something from the bible.
Then Saturday night, after a LONG day of playing, swimming, and being 5 and 6, i began praying with them, when Kaya, asked me where God was. So i told her and we talked about Heaven, and God being in our hearts, so i asked them, how do we know God is in our hearts? How do we know God is real? And Britt-lyn said , Because he loves us, and we believe in him. And so i asked if anyone wanted to ask God into their hearts, and Britt-lyn smiled bigger than ever, and said she wanted to. So i prayed with her. And she repeated what i said. I wanted to cry it was the most amazing experience EVER. then i asked her if she had ever asked God into her heart before, and she said only in her head. And she fell asleep with her Bible, after repeating the same verse over and over with me.
God was with us, and Britt-lyn and i will be good friends, as i walk her through her new found love in God.
It was AMAZING.

Bree <3

god is good.

2007-06-10T21:34:00.000-06:00

Can you hear the sound of melodies Oh, the sound of melodies Rising up to You Rising up to You God, The sound of melodies Oh, the sound of melodies Rising up to You Rising up to You God.

God is good. God is amazing. On Saturday a group of us from youth went to Kananaskis to hike in Ribbon Creek, our goal, to hopefully make it to the falls. I've got to be honest, im not the biggest hiker, i love nature, and beauty, and the end result, but sometimes getting there is alittle to hard for me, or so i thought.
So we began to hike, on what we thought would be fairly flat 4 km to the falls, on a nice day, not too hot not too cold, with people searching for the same thing. To witness Gods beauty, to accomplish something, to spend time in prayer, to make it to the top.
We hit 5 km, and our friend told us that it was about 4 km to the falls ( aka. not 4km, 9km there, 9km back. ) By 5 km it was flat almost the whole way, but these last 4 would be a killer.
It was uphill for the most part, roots everywhere, and i was tired. let me rephrase that. i was exhausted. I knew the end result would be amazing, but i wanted to give up. I spent alot of time in reflection, in prayer, talking to God, thanking him for the experience, praying for strength. By about 1 km left, i felt emotionally and physically exhausted. I was ready to cry, to wait there, till the rest of the group got back from the falls, but i kept going, i prayed and prayed, and i made it.
I Got to the top with original frusteration, i was greeted with the beauty. The falls were beautiful, and everything we experienced on the way to the falls ,was beautiful. The quietness, the prayer, the silence with only the sound footsteps ringing in our ears.
I have never experienced that kind of Beauty before in my life. i have never hiked 18 km in 6 hours before either. But it was worth it, and God met me there, he gave me strength, he watched over me, and he showed me something not alot of people get to witness.
God is good.
God is soo good.

Bree

grad.

2007-06-01T11:25:00.000-06:00

i love you, and i'll never let you go.

dear god ; i did it.

never alone.

2007-05-22T08:48:00.000-06:00

And these past few weeks ive found have been killer. They were do or die, It would either make me stronger, or it would kill me. Thankfully it made me stronger.
I found myself alone, alot, and at first i enjoyed it. It gave me time to reflect, pray, write, and spend alot of time with God, but as days became weeks, it was extremely hard for me to be alone. I found myself sitting at home, doing nothing, friends who said they would call, didnt, friends who made plans, never made them with me, and it hurt, and it was hard. How could someone deserve to be alone like that? To need their friends, and have their friends not follow through, to need a family, yet their family always seemed to be away.
But i knew that at some point during this time, God would show me something that i needed to know, and he did.

the ONLY thing i need is him. Friends are amazing, family is forever, but when it all comes down to it, who is there when we feel alone? God is. Who is there when we need to talk? God is.

God would NEVER leave you alone.

Another lesson learned, and lots more to go im sure, but i hope it goes better from here on out.

Bree.

2007-04-28T09:21:00.000-06:00

But the Lord said to Samuel, " Don't judge by his appearance or height, for i have rejected him. The Lord doesn't see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart" - 1 Samuel 16: 7

Its unbelieveable how true this is. Its funny, i just spent a long time looking for a verse about age, and being young, but i definitely couldnt find it, so when i found this one, i thought i could relate it as well.

I find that being 17, almost 18 in 12 days =) that i am judged by outward appearance, my younger appearance, by those who don't think i can do it. Its discouraging at some points , because only God knows what im truly capable of. Sometimes i think its funny for people to not believe in young people like me, because at one point in their lives they were me, and they were the ones being judged .
But i just wanted to put out a little note, to tell you, that i can do it. that we can do it. With God we can do anything, don't look down on me, because i am young, but rather, be supportive and encouraging.
For God calls us to love eachother, and support eachother in him.
Doesn't he?

Bree

Love of a Child.

2007-04-23T19:51:00.000-06:00

Is there anything more pure, than the love of a child. the no questions asked love. the hold your hand, kiss your cheek, cry when you leave love.
I think we forget sometimes, what its like to love like a child. Without judgement, without questions, without hatred. As we grow up, into what we think the ideal Christian, or follower of Jesus is, we are quick to anger, even quicker to judge, and slower to love without strings attached. Why is it that we judge? Is it because we are afriad that they are judging us in return?
We do not have to act like children, or be naive in any way, to love like a child. We just need to realise that what the world needs now is sincere love, understanding, patience, and God.
When did our lives become too busy to love? whether its eachother, the neighbour across the street, or the man on the subway, who rides it everyday to stay warm ?
Love like a child. I like that.

Bree

Youth Pastors and Blessings.

2007-04-21T09:19:00.000-06:00

Last night i needed God , and i need security, as i took 30 youth to the Cochrane Bowling Alley, to go Superhero Bowling.
It was so frusterating to see people forget something so important. That we need to respect everywhere we go, respect it like God's house, not just a bowling alley in the middle of no where.
I felt responsible for this lasting impression we were creating, and it wasn't a good one. It wasn't one that any one should be proud of, and it all fell onto me.
As Christians, should we not strive to show God's love, to everyone, and everywhere we go? I felt like the fact we are Christians was forgotten, the fact that we are called to love, was thrown in the garbage on the way in.
We should be the ones leaving a good lasting impression , something that they remember, and are thankful for.
But sometimes people get caught up in the moment, and suddenly it back fires on us, and we make stupid mistakes.
As i sat and prayed, i realised that this wasn't the night God intended us to have, and as i cleaned up 30 cups and bowls of popcorn on the floor, i felt anger, and frusteration, both feelings, are feelings i hate feeling, so i gave it up to God and got on the bus. Still frusterated.
Then the bus driver, made an announcement, that she thought i did a great job, and bought me candy, and i felt a lift in spirit. She blessed me, it was crazy, that a BUS DRIVER, whom i had met a few times, and loved, could sense that i just needed that.
We need to remember, that we need to live each day to please God, and to show his love everywhere we go.

What a stressful night, and to think, this is what i wanna do for the rest of my life.

refreshing jesus.

2007-04-16T20:48:00.000-06:00

This week i was refreshed, through a wonderful role model, friend and confidant . On Friday i got a phone call from Leanne Cripps, which was a huge deal. I was in need of a little bit of hope, and thats exactly what God gave me.
I know that it doesnt seem like a huge thing, but i asked for refreshment, hope, a little bit of light, and the phone rang, and on the other side of the phone , was my answer to prayer.
Hearing from Leanne, and two of my favorite girls, was a gift in itself. And it made me wonder why we as Christians don't pick up the phone more often.
Its funny, how we forget that sometimes all it takes is a phone call, an email, a text message, a little note in a mail box, to reach out to someone, who is looking for a little bit of light.
When someone looks like they've had a rough week, when they miss church on sunday, or are quieter than usual, or even if they put on a smile, that could fool the world, we are the ones that need to reach out.
To be the hope that they need in a time of hardship.
Pick up the phone, take five minutes to write an email , send them a text message, and tell them you are praying for them.
Its that simple.

Is that not what God intended? Community all the time?

Bree

mexico and love.

2007-04-13T15:35:00.000-06:00

I dont even know where to start. i want to talk alittle about mexico, because it has been heavy on my heart since we got there, and have now been home for nearly a week.
In Mexico i fell in love, not once but twice. Not with a boy, but i fell more deeply in love with Jesus. And as i began to love Jesus even more, i fell in love with a little boy named Cocito, who showed me God.

I arrived at The Purple Palace orphanage, with pure excitement. Most of you know how much i love children. Anyways, and the minute i got there, i felt God working in it, and it made it even more real to me . The minute i walked into the Tot Lot for the babies, i was tackled by something small, that grabbed onto my leg. I looked down to see, who would later be my best friend, Cocito.
Cocito, held on to me for dear life, his little hands were always around my neck, and he was always on my hip. As the week went on, everytime the time came that we said " hasta manana" and left the orphanage, Cocito would cry, and scream, and throw his arms in the air, until i was out of sight, and one of his caregivers would pick him up, and take him away.
It broke my heart. I saw children, who loved God, and were loved by God, who had no idea what real love was. People came and went all the time, but most of them , never came back.
I experienced Gods love through them. Through cocito. They started everyday with happiness, as they ate, and prayed, and smiled. AND EVERYDAY THEY SMILED. Everyday we came, we were greeted by 72 smiles , a smile only God could create.
In my heart, i knew that after this week, i would not be a person who came and left, to say it was a good trip, the end. I would be back, as soon as i could be. Because God needs me there. We experienced God in everything we did, from our morning coffee shop outings, where we got coffee, and talked, to when we walked down the streets to hand out bibles, praying, and holding kids closely every step of the way.
Its down the dark alley ways, down the vending streets, outside the coffee shops, and around the corner from the Purple Palace, that God's love is needed, because let me tell you, His love was NOT short in the orphanage.
We were sent to love them, to play with them, to care for them, and you know what? They took care of us, they showed us love, before we could even give it.
And Cocito? He became mine, as i sung him to sleep, as i fed him, as i played with him, or read him stories. When we wrestled, and when his mother came to visit, he was MINE.
Cocito has 3 sisters. 2 are in the orphanage, older then him, and one is only but one month, and still remains with his mother. When she came to visit , i was close to tears the whole time we talked . In the midst of a language barrier, God gave me the right things to say.
She asked me if my mother was on the trip, and i said no. She pointed to Cocito in my arms, and said this is my son. this is my son. and i faught back tears as i told her he was very handsome, and an amazing child of God . A single tear rolled down her cheek, as she left with her baby, back out to the streets of Tijuana. She was physically abusive to ALL of her children, Connie told me, and it broke my heart, to know, that each time i said Goodbye, he actually thought i was leaving him.
God does amazing things in Tijuana, things that changed my heart. I left mexico with heaviness on my heart, to go back, as soon as i can. And thats what i plan to do.
Because God has called me to love, and show his love, and i will do whatever he needs me to, to accomplish that.
I miss Cocito, and the children, everyday, but they are never far from my prayers.

Thank God for this Trip, and Thank God for the next one.

Bree.

mexico 2007

2007-04-08T21:39:00.000-06:00

i love you & i'll see you soon. thats a promise.

awaken and god.

2007-03-26T21:09:00.000-06:00

Awaken here i come , God here i follow.

family relationships

2007-03-09T12:31:00.000-07:00

And im not going to lie. This week has been extremely hard, and nothing has really lightened it up.
This is one of those weeks where you really have to rely on God, through prayer, through letters and cards, through friends, through people in your life, that bring you happiness.
Ive been having major health issues this week, that really scare me. I havent been able to breathe well, for a few weeks now, and i cough so hard i get sick, or pass out, but nothing has really been able to help me.
I have multiple doctor appointments, and hopefully that will get me on the right track to getting better.
One thing that has really been heavily laid on my heart this week is relationships. Like your relationship with your Family, and how it is extremely important.
My Grandmother on my Dads side is extremely sick. Hes flying out tomorrow for a few weeks to stay with them, because the Chaplin from the Hospital told my Grandparents to gather family together again. We just got back from Ontario two weeks ago, but this time, only my father is going back.
He's never really had a great relationship with his Father, my Grandfather, which makes the soon reality of my grandmothers death so much harder.
Death for someone who isnt a Christian is difficult, more difficult then if you have faith that God is there, and they are going to a better place.
Relationships with your family are so important, to love and grow and share with them, to accomplish things, live life, family is very important.
My mother doesnt have a good relationship with her family, and its been quite a difficult ride, as we have just been told that my grandmother on my moms side is in the hospital as well, and is doing poorly. Its hard on my mom, because she was never told about this, until getting an email from my aunt about my passport, and it was a side note.
When i found out, i made a decision.
That family is extremely important, and we cannot let them go.
Broken Families are hard to live with, but at the same time, sometimes all you need is the understanding of your love for eachother, to make it through.

Bree

prayer. o1.

2007-03-07T18:24:00.000-07:00

God,

i really need you in my life right now.

my heart is so frusterated, and i hate it.

i hate the feeling of not being good enough, of not doing things right,

when i serve you, i pick songs from my heart, and i sing them,

and i love you, but its hard, when you are told not to sing songs of your heart,

Oh Lord, i need you in my life right now.

everyday i wake up and love people, and show people your love,

but sometimes God, i feel no love.

but your love is with me.

your love is always with me.

lent & love

2007-02-26T16:14:00.000-07:00

Sunday was the first sunday of the lent season. I was extremely excited to go to Awaken to experience something very powerful and eye opening, and left with nothing short of the perfect envisioning of how lent should be.
Scott was back to start us off on the right foot, which was nice, and the leadership team did a fantastic job at creating a new, simple environment helping us to focus on the meaning of this lent season. Lately i have really been learning the true meaning of living for God , no matter what the cost. Being involved with Awaken is something that God has placed in my heart for quite some time, but i have come to realise that it might not be something that he has placed on the hearts of other youth within the church. Sometimes when God calls you do to something, or to be somewhere, its difficult, you feel that if you were to just forget it, and do what everyone else is doing, then maybe, just maybe it would make your journey alittle easier. but thats the thing. its YOUR journey. Its not the journey of your best friend or neighbor, but rather, the path in which you are taking, to live for God, and to live in Christ.
Im not going to lie to you. At first i was alittle naive and thought that following my heart, and building relationships within the Awaken community may be easier then everyone else thought, but i was wrong.
I began to notice that the journey's of my friends, fellow youth, and those who i spend my time with, were very different from mine, in fact , i found very few whose path was leading them to following Awaken and it was extremely discouraging. It was discouraging that i began a phase in my journey that did not include people that i love, people that i have spent the last two years getting to know, and it took me a while to realise that that is okay.
Although our paths are different, although our hearts have been called to different aspects of what God wants us to do, does not mean we have to discontinue relationships with those who have not yet found what God has wanted them to do, what he has placed on their hearts. Awaken for me is a place of comfort, growing, and learning to live in Christ. It is a community of people who want to see something different happen in the church that they involve themselves in , less politics, more God. Less focus on the church building and more on how we can affect and help those outside the building. And its an amazing feeling to be apart of something like that.
It comes down to that decision on where i belong, not where i want to be, but where God wants me, where i will be able to show his love, and act on my faith, not just sit around and do nothing.
Lent is a time of prayer, especially for me, prayer that its okay not to know where i am supposed to be, who i am supposed to be. Although i have some idea on where God wants me, only time will tell, prayer will answer, and God will call.
Seeing Scott Cripps was definitely refreshing, and it was nice to talk to him.
Lent is going to be a good time for me, and im excited about where i will end up.

Breee

frusteration and a new account.

2007-02-26T12:27:00.000-07:00

After trying to post using my old blogger account, and having it fail to bring it to my new blogger account, i was forced to make yet another blog.
How frusterating!

Bree